"Unscathed" By Penelope


Lesson 2: Unscathed

There is no greater advice I can give than to be the bigger person. And to get a best friend for the moments you can't be. Having been a single mom for some time I have developed a group, mostly through social media, of other single mom supporters. Let me tell you,very few of us have some nice story. You know the one, "Our divorce /separation /break up was pain free, simply put, we just drifted apart.  We left things completely amicable and always work together for the good of our child.  He still comes over for dinner on Sun when he drops off the kids and sometimes he even drops by just to fix the disposal or the broken lawn mower. And even though he is always on time with child support, I know I can ask him for extra money anytime I need."

Did you just dry heave a little? I know I did even as I wrote this.

 Honestly, I know women who can say this and my hats off to them.  This is not my case, and I'm pretty sure it is not very many of yours either. I'd also like to note, many couples who have that relationship with their ex now have been through the ringer at some point.

How do you deal with this? 
How do you survive? 

I can not tell you how many times I have been jealous of my ex.  I mean he has all the money he could ever need and barely any of the responsibility. I am not asking for more money, what I would like is more trips to the grocery store by myself. But this is not going to happen.  So it is not uncommon, when I hear about his latest adventure, to let jealousy rear it's ugly head.  My story is riddled with angry text messages and phone calls.  I felt it my great duty to let him know how unfair the situation was. Of course, his response was quite often, "give me our daughter if that's how you feel." And of course I was always offended by that offer.  Give you my daughter? But this is what I want to be doing. I want to be raising my children, to be the one to instill the morals and values that I find so important to growing a strong, healthy and self sufficient child. That was it right there, the moment that I realized how quickly this would not be my job anymore. How soon I would have more free time than I knew what to do with. When I look back years from now, it is not the parties I would regret missing but rather the time I would sacrifice with my children.  When I started to really put that into my perspective and realized that my ex should be jealous of me and not the other way around I learned how to become Unscathed.

The part about anger and jealousy is that although it is often deserved, it winds up causing more pain than the actions that is so unfair. When I stopped sending those messages about how unfair the situation was I stopped holding onto that anger, and when the pain of the problem was too much to bare, well, that is where my best friend and other support systems became so important. I'm not saying that some of those feelings are not unwarranted. It IS unfair, this is a two person job whether you are single or not, your ex should be the biggest supporter of the hard work you do, but we live in reality and simply put is the old saying, "Life is unfair".  So start taking care of yourself, learn the Grey rock method and come out unscathed.

I just went through a very serious and painful custody battle, one that did not have the optimal results for me, those were moments I could not bare alone, and I can not even begin to describe the hours spent on the phone afterwards with my bestie and my niece as they suffered with me. They truly got me through it, much quicker than one could ever imagine but I can not stress enough how important it was for me not to attack my sons father.  Looking for the blessings in your situation rather than the wrong doings, and focusing on those is so important to survival. It is hard work.  But if you focus on doing the right thing in a wrong situation, you will look back with pride on your strength. For everything I have been through and been put through I will be able to look each one of my children in the eye and say, "I did the best I could and I have no regrets about how I handled the situation."

Can you do that? If not I suggest you fix the problem. This process is not easy, and I have had many setbacks over time, but even more important, the harder I work and better I get at it, the more I am becoming Unscathed.

And that my friends is your second lesson.
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About Amara Franklin

If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times... I LOVE MY LIFE. I have a great husband and the best little baby dudes in the world! I have found that raising twins is not so different than a singleton, just a little bit louder (and a lot more fun!). I look forward to going through this journey together... SUPER MOMS UNITE!

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