We are now 28 weeks into this pregnancy, and officially in the third trimester. Today I am feeling a bit down. I usually prefer being all upbeat and optimistic on this blog, but the truth is, this pregnancy has not all been easy. No matter how hard things get, I am still so thankful for these babies, and I know how blessed I am, but pregnancy is hard sometimes. The farther along I get, the more I realize the reality of the situation. These babies will be here in 9 weeks, and I am absolutely terrified. I'm afraid that I am in way over my head.One baby is scary enough, but two?? What if I am no good at being a mom. It is one thing to make mistakes with my own life, but I am having children, I don't have the luxury of mistakes anymore. I tell myself all the time that these feeling are completely natural to have, and that there would be something wrong with me if I didn't have these fears, but I still feel almost guilty for feeling this way. I hoped, prayed, and begged for a baby and I was given the gift of twins. I feel like every time I complain about having pain or I get scared about what is to come, like I am doing somthing wrong. How can I complain about something I wanted so badly, and something that I do love so much? Because at the end of the day, no matter how much I hurt or how scared I am, I DO love these little babies with my whole heart.
But sometimes I cry because I cant do anything BUT cry, and sometimes I cry for absolutely no reason... I know it's the hormones, but knowing something in your brain and feeling it are two completely different things. The rational side of my brain tells me I am just pregnant and not to be so hard on myself, but the emotional (insert hormonal) side can't believe it. I feel like I have wasted so much time during this pregnancy worrying about money and work and family and how my Husband and I are going to make this work, that I have taken away time from enjoying the pregnancy.
I tell myself every day that today I will be better. Today I wont argue with my Husband. Today I wont stress out about work. Today I wont worry about the bills. Today I wont care if my sister calls me or not. And sometimes I do a good job and things are great. But other days, I fail. My poor husband has had to take on the brunt of my crazy mood swings. He has done a pretty good job at handling it all.
I guess the point of this rant is that I am human, and I am not perfect, and I need to be ok with that and not let it make me feel like a failure. I have a lot going on, and it is totally normal to freak out every now and then, and to doubt myself. What I need to always be able to do though is remember that I am going to be a good mom, and that
Even on my worst day, I am so lucky and thankful that I am even in this position, because I love my babies, I love my Husband, and I LOVE our life.
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